As a sequel to my last article on domestic violence, I decided to speak to some of my friends to check their level of exposure on the topic. While some were of the opinion that marriage isn't a do or die affair, a few were of the firm belief that women were the cause for their being abused. You'll find my conversation with Bola, Nkem, Preye and Segun interesting.
N.B: Not their real names.
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Me: Hi Bola, how have you been now, need to ask you some questions about a topic I’m doing a survey on.
Bola: Watz up Grace, what’s it? I’m listening…
Me: Ok thanks, it’s about domestic violence, did you hear about that Ronke Shonde case? What do you know about domestic violence and what do you think society can do about it?
Bola: Mehn….I heard o, that lady that was beaten to death by her husband...that man is harsh o, even tho he suspected her of cheating, he should have just divorced the woman now and leaving the kids in the house with their mother’s dead body, na wa o. Domestic violence is not good o, a lot of people have lost their lives because of one maltreatment from either their husband or wife. I believe that if victims of domestic violence report their cases and the culprits are punished, maybe the number of these cases will reduce. And people should stop blaming the women for whatever problem they have in their homes, can you imagine people were actually blaming the Shonde lady, that is just unfair joor. The man and the woman should equal role in making the family work, and if it doesn’t, they should go their separate ways without any harm. I think I’ve said enough already…I just hope we don’t keep hearing more cases like this woman o.
Me: Thanks Bola, you tried…I’m glad you understand the extent to which this problem is serious. Thank you…you have been helpful.
Bola: You’re welcome.
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Me: Hi Nkem, How far now, been a while I heard from you. Please I need your help with a survey.
Nkem: Hi dear, I’m good o, what’s happening now? No problem, what’s the survey about?
Me: Just wanted to ask a few questions on domestic violence. Please can you share with me what you know about domestic violence and how do you think domestic violence can be stopped in Nigeria?
Nkem: hmmm ok, I think domestic violence is about the abuse of a partner or should I say any member of the family in the home, but there mostly cases of men beating their wives, I think that’s what people call wife battery right…yea that’s it. I came across something online some days back when I realised that domestic violence isn’t just physical, it could be verbal or emotional, I’ve heard of cases of women where their husbands just keep abusing them verbally at every opportunity they get…these women end up having low self esteem and because of the way society have positioned women, they don’t complain. Imagine a situation like that now and the woman complains, people will now be asking her….did he beat you, did he rape you, is he not providing for you? Abeg go and manage him like that, husbands are scarce o, you have one and you’re complaining.
So I just feel men should be taught to understand their wives more, I know some part of our culture permits men to beat their wives…
Me: Really
Nkem: Yess o, but we’re in a civilized world now, husbands and wives can talk about their issues without having to resort to fighting each other. My belief is if e no work, leave am abeg.
Me: lol, thanks dear, I get you, but I think it’s better both partners seek out an amicable way to solve their problems, such as going for counselling instead of drastically leaving their marriages. Thanks dear, you’ve been helpful.
Nkem: You’re welcome, all the best in your survey.
Me: Thanks
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Me: Thank you Segun and Preye, I won’t take much of your time, just a few questions
Segun, Preye: It’s ok…no wahala, we’re glad we can be of help.
Me: Ok, what I wanted to ask you guys about was on domestic violence. What do you know about domestic violence?
Segun: I believe domestic violence is about a man or woman beating their spouse, abi…yes.
Preye: I think I will go with Segun on this, when a man beats his wife or when a woman beats or injured her husband, that’s domestic violence. I think it applies to other family members too. But wait o, I just believe you people are just trying to make it more serious than it is. Omo, if my woman does something bad like for example, if we dey argue and she slap me first and I come beat am, would you still call that domestic violence.
Segun: Aha guy now, why would you beat her? That one no good now
Preye: But she started the beating now, shebi she slapped me first.
Segun: That does not warrant you beating her, it might be a mistake, in a situation like that I would advise you to leave that premises and give her a stern warning after.
Me: But in a case that it’s the man that gives the first slap, what do you think the woman should do?
Preye: Eh, make she leave the house o, that one she might not be strong enough to stand off the man. But somewomen can nag sha and they can be a thorn in the flesh. I just feel some of them are the cause they are been beaten by their men. If only they can behave themselves.
Me: What do you mean by ‘behave themselves’ Preye?
Preye: They should respect their man, cook his food and when she know say the man no get, make she rest; she shouldn’t come and become a nuisance because the man does not have money, she doesn’t the kind of state of mind he may be in when she starts nagging.
Me: What about you Segun, what do you think? How can domestic violence be stopped/
Segun: I believe if men and women learn to understand and respect each other, you would know when your partner is not in the right mood, not everybody has the same level of tolerance. My advice to women especially is if you notice the signs in your man, please seek advice from the right person and if he does it once, he may likely do it again. I just wish our law enforcement people will take victims cases seriously, so that people will understand that you cannot just be hurting people and going scot-free.
Me: Preye…and you?
Preye: Women should stop nagging…and men stop beating your wives.
Me: Alright, thanks guys, you’ve both being of great help.
Segun, Preye: Anytime, thank you.
Photo credit: en.bobbiecrews.com
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